Last year the world was turned upside down for everyone. We all had to look deeper into ourselves for strength and healing in an effort to make sense of what was happening as well as to find our own balance and re-arrange much of our physical environment according to the changes.
For me, the lockdown started in South Africa at the end of March 2020. The same week our landlord unexpectedly ended our lease of over 4 years. Sadly the situation became quite tormented as our landlord made our last few months there very challenging.
The time was coming for us to move to a new temporary home while we prepared for our move to India. We had 1 week left before we moved. I was coming down the ramp at the back of our beautiful home in the forest and it was a little wet from the nights rain and dew.
The boys were ahead of me in the car and I was carrying a few items. I slipped on the ramp and my arm came out of my shoulder socket.
I knew immediately what it was because I had a weakness there from a skiing accident 20 years ago. I was always conscious about it and it would occasionally pop out a little (sublocate) and would go back in a few seconds.
This time it felt like my arm was backwards and stuck like I was in a straight jacket inside out. The pain was excruciating and I could hear Shyam screaming as he could see what pain I was in. I couldn’t let anyone touch me and I knew we had to go to the hospital.
Having worked in emergency I knew how to relocate a shoulder dislocation and that it takes a lot to be able to relax and move the arm down and forwards to let it slip back into place.
I remember grunting with effort to push passed the pain. My arm relaxed downwards straightening out a little and it went back into its socket while I was sitting there on the ramp.
What I forgot from emergency was that we put the arm in a sling and tell the patient it takes time to strengthen the muscles again and to keep it in that position for a couple of weeks.
So after couple of days I realised the ongoing pain was the shoulder healing. Still, I even had an xray taken to make sure there were no associated fractures as the pain was still so immense. There wasn’t and painkillers and a sling did the job fine.
I couldn’t lie on it, sleeping was challenging sometimes but it all eased gently with time.
But the shoulder was just the manifestation of something much deeper going on. We know that is always the case with our amazing bodies, reflecting to us how we can heal and bring our world into more alignment with our beautiful shining souls.
It felt like I had almost lost my right arm. My sense of strength and doing. For me to heal this completely I knew I had to dig deep into my inner sacred masculine. I knew if I did not I would never have a peace that I could function normally without the fear that it could slip out again.
And I could not live my life in that fear as I needed to use my arm with love and as it needed to be used.
So although there were physical healing and strengthening exercises and a healthy lifestyle could all help the physical healing, I knew I needed to do my inner work.
At first I cried a lot. I needed to release the trauma of the pain and the feeling of being in a metal straight jacket with my arm on the wrong side of me.
We were in a situation where the patriarchy was very manifest in our lives as a sense of bullying. It was exposing the undercurrent of politics that has damaged South Africa in terms of false white male supremacy and control. The false sense of mastery that a landowner digs his ego heels into.
My inner sense of authority, knowing what was right, standing up for myself, standing firm in the face of male authority, answering back, protecting my family, protecting my heart work, my animals, my home – were all being challenged.
I needed to heal by giving back my trust in my own inner male.
I needed to put back my trust in myself – that I can decide what I need. That I can be trusted to care for myself. That my decisions are worthy and matter. That I can decide and not always give away my reasoning or decision making to satisfy the authority that seems to reign.
That I am safe and protected.
I needed to stop outsourcing my sense of security and authority.
I needed to be firm in myself within myself and to myself.
I have been very absorbed in the Sacred Feminine and the flow that comes with owning a sense of vulnerability and surrender. As well as the wildness, and intuitive power that comes with the many shades of Sacred Feminine. And of course the Mama Bear protective and knowing energy.
The sacred masculine was calling now and I was forced to face the male authorities in my life who had lead me down a path of fearing male authority. Simply a raised male voice would fill me with a fear and dread. This is the fear of not being accepted. The fear and utter dread of being outcast, unprotected, unseen and not worthy of care or inclusion if I did not have the male authority impressed and accepting of me.
I started seeing the patterns in my life as I reflected back to my own relationship with my father, my male teachers, my first employers, my ashrama managers, my colleagues and seniors and now my landlord.
I could see how I had this imprinting so deep that I would get filled with this fear feeling if I saw they were phoning me. I was scared. I would immediately feel I had done something wrong and they were going to chastise, criticize and banish me.
I had this intrinsic need to please. I needed them to know that I knew they were the boss and I would feel deeply valued and worthy if they acknowledged me and my work I had done so well.
Considering what a revolutionary I am and how I stand against abuse – you can imagine how this played out in my life. I would do things undercover. You would never suspect Gauri. But underneath the energy I was struggling to be true to myself, stand for what was right without standing against the authority too squarely.
Now was a time I needed to feel into my own authority as a full expression. Otherwise the fear or losing my arm would remain controlling me in my life.
Claiming my own inner masculine didn’t look like a power, authoritative, controlling or abusive male energy. It was a feeling of taking my own shelter, trusting my own decisions, not second guessing myself, owning that I can make decisions and choices for my life and my loved ones. Standing in my own sense of authority over my life without it being dependent on pleasing the external male powers.
This was scary. It was unfamiliar. It was not a feeling I had let myself into for a long time. I certainly had challenges in my life and those stories are for another time. I had confronted male authority and power before with my digging deeper into integrity around women’s health and childbirth.
But this was different and more personal. It was within me.
It was also about moving forward and keeping firm to what and how and where I needed to go forward. It was about trusting myself and getting on with it too. Putting into practice.
That month of August was incredible last year. I had a few births due and the first birth came about ten days after my accident. I kept my arm in a sling close to my chest the whole time. When it came to stitching my amazing doula and midwife assistant followed through my stitch as if we were two hands working as one.
We moved our entire house and I could help with very little.
The way my arm felt best was close to my chest and my hand invariably came to settle over my heart space. This kept reminding me to be in my heart space and to be conscious and aware of staying connected here too.
My inner masculine and feminine were dancing as they weaved new pathways.
Once you are aware of patterns in your life you start to see them play out more. I realised my fear of male authority was not real and I did not need to empower it anymore. I realised not everyone feels like that and I can release it and replace it with love, peace and freedom. I learn that my opinions and choices matter and are as valid as anyone else whether they are in a higher authority or not.
I also realised that we cannot blindly depend on male authority to be protective, truly sensitive and having our best at heart. That they are most prone to corruption, ego bullying and addicted to a false sense of power. But inside they are humans too navigating their own path in life. And my prime responsibility is to my inner integrity and growth and to that of my family.
I still want to please.
I still want to be that good girl.
I still feel the false power a male (or female) authority may like to dangle and use to bully or control other people.
I am still learning everyday.
I know my deepest inner worth is not dependent on this and I can look at it more and more like a drama that is often not worth my energy.
I turn around and play in the Sacred Masculine and the Sacred Feminine where we weave from love, from trust, from protection and trust in the Supreme Masculine energy and his Beloved Feminine.
I can move my arm freely now. I can rotate it 360 degrees. I can feel my muscles still reflexively over-protect myself from over exertion. I can see how my whole body has shortened a little on my right side. The healing is continuous.
I have been used to weaving the healing in women’s symptoms and dis-eases. Here I was looking at pure physical body mechanics but the teaching was immense.
Our body is constantly reflecting to us where we can grow and journey deeper into a beautiful, whole and enlightening healing.
This incident was part of a very deeply healing journey for me on many levels.
I always encourage us to look deeper, feel deeper – our body is an instrument that is nudging us deeper and closer to a beautiful healing where our pure soul is able to feel its intrinsic love, satisfaction and shine – as we all truly are.
August 10th 2021
